Which ‘Journey of Love’ Will You Choose: The U-Haul or the Long Haul? Every Lesbian Must Decide
by Barb Elgin I was sitting at the dinner table tonight with my parents, who are visiting for the winter here in Florida. I know, by the way, how fortunate I am to be able to share this time with my parents, who are both alive and well. As we ate, each of my parents lamented the fact that today, it seems we have too many choices. Mom mentioned how many stores and varieties of many of the same products there are. And dad focused on how this makes for a ‘hyper-competitive’ marketplace. When recalling that discussion now, my thoughts gravitated to a similar concern about today’s relationships. Do we have too many choices when it comes to dating and mating? If so, why is that a problem? Certainly if one chooses to, he or she can express his or her ‘love’ or ‘sexuality’ in just about any way he or she chooses, including asexuality (as long as that expression is between two consenting adults, oops, I mean, between consenting adults or, at least one consenting adult). This ‘freedom of choice’ wasn’t available to most of us a generation or two ago. Back then, most couldn’t even conceive of anything other than growing up, getting married rather young to an opposite-sexed partner and having children (if one was straight). If you knew you were gay, perhaps you either chose to get married and live a lie or, you courageously decided to live with your girl ‘friend’. Lucky for we women: we could get away with the ‘living with your best friend’ deal, even if that arrangement continued on for years. Our gay male friends weren’t so lucky. Back then you ‘had’ to get married to have sex (and be able to admit it) and people still believed masturbation would do something awful to you. Perhaps people were more polite; however, they were also more repressed. For example, even those women from my generation (the baby boomers) who are ‘just coming out’ in their 40’s and 50’s, are swearing they had no idea they were lesbians until now. I believe them. After all, denial, suppression and sublimation are amazingly effective defense mechanisms! So, on one hand, I agree with my parents. We are overwhelmed with choices in today’s world. Some see this as a negative. In fact there are many potential ‘traps’. But there are also upsides. For example, in seeing all of the choices available to me, I still in my heart feel pulled to create a deeply satisfying, lasting, monogamous relationship with one woman. Traditional enough, right? The confusion or plethora of choices helps me focus and clarify who I am and what I need. Now, perhaps that’s just me. After all, I’m still trying to ‘get love right’. How about you? Whether you are 20 or 80, chances are you are still trying to experience something you believe you’ve missed (or something you once had and are now missing) when it comes to love. I am reminded of my friend Elaine Weber, who came out a few years ago at the age of 79*. You don’t think she’s still not trying to ‘get love right’? Those of us who’ve been through enough U-Haul relationships that didn’t fully satisfy wonder if there is something better ‘out there’. Many of us, as we grow older, become more aware of (or get more honest about) who we are and what we truly need to be happy. Living from this simple, loving ‘self space’ is the first step to creating a relationship with another woman that goes the distance. What then, is the opposite of the U-Haul? How about the Long Haul? Seriously! I would say that you are, at each moment, at a crossroads when it comes to this choice. Whether you are single or coupled, you are constantly choosing (consciously or not) which journey of love you are on. Long haul loving keeps it clean and simple. Notice I didn’t say easy! You can gain all of the benefits of long haul loving by following these three simple steps: 1) Prepare for the journey 2) Find the right woman to share the journey with 3) Get going on the journey Details on these steps coming soon… Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples. Email your questions to me at askbarb@onegoodlove.com. Go to the Q&A section to find your answers. © Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact. Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. * Shewired.com, 2008, ‘Elaine Weber: Out at 79...and Looking for Love!’