Deeply Satisfying, Lasting Lesbian Love: An Introduction to Secret #1 – Prepare for Your Journey of Love
by Barb Elgin
In my last post, I introduced you to the concept of long haul loving as an alternative to U-Haul relating, and, to keep things simple, which I love to do, even with seemingly complicated topics, I said ‘Long Haul Loving’ (AKA ‘Deeply Satisfying, Lasting Lesbian Love’) happens when a lesbian woman decides to follow these three steps:
• Secret #1: Prepare for your journey of love.
• Secret #2: Attract the ‘right’ woman to share your journey of love with (If you are single perhaps you don’t know ‘her’ yet. If you are already in a relationship perhaps it’s the lady you’re with today.)
• Secret #3: Live your journey of love with joy, use a beginner’s mind, continue to hone your relationship skills and renew your commitment
to yourself and your relationship daily.
This article will begin exploring secret #1 to deeply satisfying, lasting lesbian love: preparing for your journey of love. Now, I’m tempted like you probably are, to jump ahead and begin talking about finding love ‘out there’ in the arms of another woman.
But that’s the first mistake most of us make and thus, today’s article will focus on the love affair that needs to begin long before you ever lay eyes on your beloved: your love affair with yourself! When it comes to deeply satisfying, lasting love, you need the self- confidence required to create such a reality. It’s when you master that self-confidence that you are ready to get out there and find your life partner (if you are single) or enhance your relationship (if you are coupled).
Self-confidence consists of several elements, such as…
• Knowing yourself
• Resilience and/or healthy self esteem
• Living a life that reflects who you know yourself to be (some may say it takes courage but with enough of
the right kind and amount of support almost anyone can master this one)
• Emotional intelligence - Adopting a ‘charge neutral’ attitude when dealing with the challenges of life
and love (also known as being ‘not too intense’ but ‘not neglectful/unaware’)
• Great communication skills
Knowing Yourself
How well do you know yourself? This is one fascinating topic, is it not? I know I thought I knew myself in my 20’s, but now, in my 40’s, I realize how much better ‘I think I know’ myself today. So, am I saying people in their 20’s are too ‘immature’ to know themselves enough to have a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship?
Of course not! What I am saying is that with the right tools and support available today, you can know yourself much better than I did in my 20’s. However, you have to be open to learning those tools and you have to be, as one of my mentors says, ‘supportable’. And, that’s true whether you are 25 or 75!
I’m also saying this process of ‘knowing oneself’ evolves over the course of one’s life. I may look back on myself now in 20 years and say what I just said when I compared my knowledge of myself at 20 versus 40!
When I am working with my clients, I offer them a variety of assessments and discussions to help them more clearly identify who they are and what they want. Such an in depth personal exploration process can help us identify ‘you’ by talking about topics such as your:
• Vision and life purpose
• Values
• Needs, wants and requirements in a love relationship
• Emotional vulnerabilities and negative habits
• Communication abilities
• Lifestyle and sense of community
• Career satisfaction
• Physical, mental and spiritual health
• Financial and legal health
• Relationship with your family of origin
• Acceptance of your gayness
Stay tuned for my next article, where I’ll continue to talk with you about these aspects of self-confidence.
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.
© Copyright 2010, Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.
Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.